


The Eye of the Fish

by poetheather



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/M, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-11
Updated: 2012-06-11
Packaged: 2017-11-07 11:54:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/430876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetheather/pseuds/poetheather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint is not dealing well with the fact that he was taken over by Loki, as his ability to focus at his goal always allowed him to fight through most compulsion and attempts to turn him. This time it didn't help. Now he feels lost and adrift unable to really focus on anything until a few people help him get his focus back and help him find something new to aim at.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Eye of the Fish

The Eye of the Fish

Heather O’Malley

Bitch please, like I own much of anything. This is movie-verse characters for clarification.

@ @ @ @ @

It’s about focus.

It’s always about focus.

It’s how I was taught to approach things, from throwing knives and darts to shooting pistols and rifles to archery. You focus. You aim, and you are only as good as your precision.

I was taught with a story. It’s kind of stupid really though Natasha got it when I told her. There was an Archery contest in medieval France between the supposedly three best archers for the hand of a Duke’s daughter. I don’t know why but he probably wanted to have a sniper on hand if he needed one. Anyway… he took them into his keep, overlooking the main road of his village and said, “Do you see that sign for the Fishmongers? Down by the gates to the village?”

They all nodded.

“Whoever hits it most accurately wins the hand of my daughter.”

One by one they all took aim and shot.

They all walked down there to where the sign was and sure enough there were three arrows in it. The Duke was impressed, but he wanted the best so he asked the first archer, whose arrow was in the tail of the fish, “What did you aim at?”

“The fish, your Lordship.”

With a frown the Duke turned to the second archer, whose arrow was in the exact center of the sign, “What did you aim at?”

“The body of the fish, your Lordship.”

He turned to the third archer, whose arrow was in the head of the fish. “And you?”

“The eye of the fish, your Lordship.”

That story has stuck with me since my earliest days, despite all the crap that growing entailed, all the pain and suffering, that focus, that eyes on target mentality helped me get through everything, helped me find what I wanted, helped me succeed against all odds.

Until it didn’t. 

All he had to do was touch me, that’s it. Touch me with that damn staff and all my focus, all my sniper’s mentality went to hell. I became a puppet that was flailing weakly at strings under Loki’s control.

Granted I’m not as smart as Tony or Bruce, but who do you think designed my bow, my arrows, and my quiver? Who do you think passed something worse than the military’s sniper school when I was a kid? It takes a lot of smarts to figure out both a bullet’s and an arrow’s trajectory, especially when you add in additional factors like the weighted heads of my arrows and moving targets. So yeah, not dumb, but I am clearly not as smart as those two. But it’s not like it mattered when Thor’s brother turned me with a touch.

Natasha had tried to turn me back in the day. Tried to make me come play for her side. It didn’t work then, because I was focused on my objective, her. And I got my girl. But I lost her as well at a touch.

I was compromised; every part of me was Loki’s. There was nothing that was not his. It took every bit of focus to fight against that touch to not kill Director Fury and Agent Hill. I missed. Thankfully Loki was not aware of what a big deal that was. Maria probably was, as was the Director. 

But I did terrible things and I tried to kill Natasha. I am so glad that she is so much better up close than I am. So glad she banged my head and I was free. But that didn’t change the fact that I had failed.

I went into that fight with Natasha expecting to die. Finding Captain America on the way to the Quinjet was amazing, as I had expected to hold the line, just Natasha and myself until the enemy overran us. And then the rest of the Avengers showed up and somehow we made it through and I didn’t die. My training had been too good, my focus as always on the fish’s eye.

Afterwards, I was drained and at a loss. What was I going to do? I had failed. I had failed S.H.I.E.L.D.. I had failed Director Fury. I had failed Natasha. I had never even told her what I felt, what I really felt, not just the simple platitudes. Loki had dragged out what I really felt and that made me feel dirty, tainted, compromised beyond all hope of redemption. But at that moment I was too sore, too tired, too beat up to care.

So we did as Stark asked, went to the Shawarma place he had spotted. It was remarkably not too damaged and we ate. I put a leg up on Natasha’s chair, like I sometimes do, not even thinking about it. Like I said, tired and compromised.

Nat at first seemed surprised but then relaxed, resting slightly against it, at one point we held hands, briefly. I don’t think the others missed it as they are all damn observant, but again, I was too lost in things to be paying attention to anything outside of that moment. All I knew then was that I needed to fix things but I didn’t know how. Breaking into secure facilities? How do you fix nearly destroying the Helicarrier? Facilitating Loki’s escape and leading to Phil’s death? Attacking the woman you love? While I was eating and touching Nat, my mind was lost in those thoughts, focused on the problem at hand.

Afterwards we all ended up back at Stark’s, as there really was no other safe place for us that was in somewhat good condition. With the Helicarrier damaged and the city as beaten up as it was, that was the best place for us to stay. As I drifted outside to the walkway, where the broken glass had already been cleaned up, but the dents in the surface were still there from where Thor apparently bounced Loki, I did catch a passing of looks that I could not interpret. 

Honestly, I did not know the others. Natasha was the only reason I was there. These were people who had come together because Loki had shown up and done his thing. I was partially to blame for their coming together. I sat on the edge and looked out at the still smoking city. The Hulk and Thor had gotten rid of the huge flying worms but there was still so much just crap in the city that had to be taken care of. Looking at all of this just made me feel worse.

I heard the footsteps coming out towards me. They were not Natasha’s so I tensed a little, unsure who it was and what they wanted.

“Hey, can I join you?”

I turned my head slightly and noticed Bruce had come out to join me. I just nodded and went back to my brooding.

“Wow you really feel guilty. It is coming off of you in waves.”

I frowned more and turned and noted that Bruce was smiling somewhat. “Oh good, now you see me. I was worried that you were so focused on being guilty and upset that you didn’t see anything else.”

I snorted.

“I understand feeling guilty. So what is it? The whole being turned into a zombie by Loki’s staff?” asked Bruce with a great deal of compassion and sincerity in his voice.

I frowned. “I wasn’t a zombie. I did things of my own free will.”

“Really? You wanted to do those things?” He sounded honestly surprised.

With a sigh I clarified, “Not really but it felt like it was my own choice, like I wanted to do these things, like it was my choice.”

“Look I don’t really know you but I have - as Tony puts - it a green rage monster inside me that does what it wants. That’s not a choice. It sounds like this wasn’t a choice either. That staff was controlling and focusing energy from the tesseract which has who-knows-what powers. We were talking to Thor, and even the Asgardians don’t know all the powers of the thing, so you have nothing to feel bad over being taken over by an object more powerful than a god. I mean, even Loki is in awe of the thing. Tony wants to take it apart so bad you have no idea. Steve is the only thing stopping him.” said Bruce with a slight smile in his voice. 

“You don’t understand… I am compromised now.” I said, opening up slightly since Bruce was being so open. For someone driven by anger he was remarkably calm and peaceful.

“I don’t see how. You were taken over, instantly, by something far, far, far more powerful than you. Fury knows that, Coulson knew that, even Natasha knows that. When we were talking about the staff and the tesseract, how it seemed to take people over came up. I asked about you and Selvig, to get an idea of what you would be like and how this could work. I guessed it was a temptation thing, especially if Loki was using it. Add in a little illusion and there you go.”

I turned to face him, my eyes narrow and intense, trying to find something, searching for a target. “What do you mean?”

“Well, from what I gather, Selvig was tempted by knowledge and made to build. I’m not sure what you were tempted by but it sure seems like you were made to hunt.” He said it so casually, so matter of fact-ly that I wanted to turn on him, to hurt him for this painful truth which shamed me. 

It was then that I saw the brilliance of sending Bruce out. There was nothing I could do to hurt him. If I attacked the Hulk would come out and I was over. If I knocked him off the roof, the Hulk would come out and would survive the fall. This group was worse to deal with than just Fury.

The staff had tempted me. That’s how it got compliance. That’s how it made you its slave. It offered you something, something that you wanted deep in your heart, something that you may have been afraid to mention to anyone ever and said that it would give it to you, for what it says is just a little work. Little, heh… it worked you until you couldn’t rest, couldn’t eat, because you were worse than a slave, driven by this desire past everything else. I would have worked to achieve Loki’s aims until I had died to get what it had offered me.

“I am not arguing with your assumptions.”

He nodded his head. “Then you need to realize that you are not at fault. You were under mind control. So the things you did… not your fault. So stop beating yourself up. You have a very scary woman in there who is worried about you.”

I snapped my head around and stared at him. “Uhm…”

“Leg on chair. Hands touching. Not quite subtle, but then again you’re a sniper not a spy.” He grinned broadly as he got up, brushing the dust off his pants. “See you inside Clint.”

I sat there a bit dumbfounded, turning from the destruction of the city below to the somewhat warm scene inside, where Pepper Potts was arguing with Tony, Steve, Thor and Bruce were all reclining on the couch and Natasha had commandeered a chair all for herself, as usual, sitting with her legs tucked up. She turned and looked out and our eyes caught. My breath caught in my chest. Beauty is a word that is too easy to use with Natasha because it just isn’t descriptive enough. And her eyes. I love her eyes, especially when she has not hidden herself in whatever undercover persona she has taken on. 

She held my eyes, looked at the end of her chair, then back at me, raising one eyebrow. I nodded. This was not an offer to refuse.

I came in, grabbed some water to drink and then sat at the foot of her chair. She draped one leg over me and I noted that she had taken her shoes off. I turned awkwardly to look at her with a smirk at how unsubtle she was. She smirked back. So I began rubbing her feet.

“I agree that we do not need to be under Fury’s control but what are we going to do without S.H.I.E.L.D.’s paycheck? They certainly would keep us going since we want to stick together,” said Steve.

Clearly I had missed things by being outside brooding.

“I can foot that.” replied Tony offhand. “We can repurpose the top floors for the Avengers, especially since the A is the only thing to have survived. We already have labs and some bedrooms, we can build more without too much of a problem, right Pepper?”

“I thought this was my building?” she countered.

“Okay. Maybe I was wrong to give away your stuff but this could be good for Stark Enterprises to be connected to the Avengers.” offered Tony.

“You mean I get to have more than 12% of an opinion on this?” It sounded mean but given the smile on her face it was clear that I was missing the context for this.

“Ouch. That is just mean.”

She elbowed him in the side. “I have no problem with it. It makes sense really. The building is self-sustaining, energy wise, we have no offices rented out yet, so that makes this really easy.”

“I approve,” boomed Thor.

I had to wonder if the Asgardian knew how to talk quietly. Natasha sighed in contentment.

Steve looked around the room, “Is everyone else in?”

There seemed to be positive responses from everyone but me and I wasn’t sure. Natasha put her hand on my head and moved it up and down. This got Bruce snickering and Thor guffawed with great volume. Steve shook his head and turned back to Pepper and Tony, saying, “Let’s do this.”

Later, when the others had gone off to maybe sleep or what not Natasha finally broke the comfortable silence that usually existed between them, “So… what stupid thing were you thinking out there.”

I flinched slightly. She certainly had a way with words and not pulling punches. “I was thinking that this was my fault, that I let you down, that I was compromised and could no longer be trusted.”

“Durak.” She said softly, but with some heat. “How many times do you need to be told that is not the truth?”

“Yeah… I know. I am not disagreeing with you, Nat. That’s never healthy.” I really did know better. She tended to argue physically when she was really emotionally connected to the subject.

“So you accept that you doing those things is not your fault?” I was not looking at her face but I could see her lifting an eyebrow just by the tone of her voice. I was even sure just which eyebrow and just how high it rose. Familiarity.

“I am getting there. You know what Bruce said to me out there?” I asked, wondering if she was aware of all of that. We had few secrets and this was not one I really wanted to carry alone.

“His theory? Yes.”

“There may be some weight to it.”

I could feel her settle more solidly into herself and she was less Natasha and more Black Widow at this moment. I could even hear the change I her voice, the slightest increase in Russian accent. “What do you mean?”

“When the staff touched me it offered me… something, something I wanted so much that it used that to hook me. So long as I had that goal, I would have done anything Loki had asked. Anything.” I looked at the floor as I said that. Admitting this to Natasha was different than saying anything to Bruce, since I really didn’t know him so telling him did not really mean anything. This, this meant everything.

“What did that staff offer?”

“Do I have to say it?” I countered, trying to avoid baring my soul, my shame completely to the one I loved.

“Clint…”

I swallowed hard. I had to do this. I knew that I had to tell her because I was compromised, despite what Bruce had said. This was going to hang over me until it was settled and disrupt my focus. I took a deep breath; let it out slow as I calmed myself as I would in setting up a difficult shot. Then I said in a near whisper, looking at the floor, doing my best to do even that, “It offered me family Nat, a real family.”

There was a sharp intake of breath behind me and Natasha left the chair to crouch down in front of me. Her eyes were intense and I lost myself in them. “What do you mean real family?”

I sighed. I knew she was going to prod, to hunt down every detail until she knew this intimately. It’s what made her so good at interrogations. “It offered to bring back my brother and to… to…”

Natasha tensed when my voice failed and my head dropped. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her the dirty truth that allowed Loki to steal my loyalty from all I had believed. She lifted my head and looked in my eyes. “I haven’t told you what Loki did to me?”

I blinked at the change of topic. “No… no you haven’t.”

“Listen.” She recounted the meeting in excruciating detail. I knew what mewling quim meant and I’d shove one of my exploding arrows up Loki’s closest approximation if it weren’t for the fact that Thor would probably hit me with his hammer if I tried. I growled angrily and possessively. “The thing is Clint, he asked me if I loved you but I didn’t answer. I just said what I ended up learning in the Red Room that Love is for Children.”

As I said earlier, I am a fairly smart man so I was able to parse what was said and blinked furiously as my brain tried to process. “Wait… what?”

“Yes, Clint?”

“You mean?”

“What did the staff offer you Clint?” 

I froze. My brain was overloading and there seemed to be too many things going on, too many targets, too many thoughts and feelings racing about. That is the only reason I can think of why my mouth worked faster than my brain. “You.”

“So you were willing to take on the world to have a real family with your brother and me? Am I clear on that?” Her voice was slow, annunciating the words carefully, making sure that there was no misunderstanding her.

I swallowed hard. There was no chance to focus on anything right now. Natasha was the only woman I had ever met who could affect my focus and I was feeling the effect right now. “I… uh… I…”

“Well?”

“Yes.” I was resigned to whatever fate that this admission condemned me. 

She smiled. Natasha smiled at me and said, “I was willing to give up the world for you as well Clint. What a pair of durakov we are. How long?”

“Budapest.” I admitted. That had been so bloody and so insane that as we hobbled out of there, holding each other together, friendship had turned to something more. But I had buried it as there was no way I could ever follow it as an S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.

“Really?” She seemed surprised by that. “A bit later for me. But work.”

“Yeah… work.” The word was heavy with finality.

“But you know… as Avengers, we are no longer members of S.H.I.E.L.D., no longer under their rules.” She pointed out.

I raised an eyebrow in question.

She laughed and turned so that she sat against me, her body fitting against mine. “While you were off with Loki, I got to watch the boys. Oh Clint… of all of them Steve might be the only possible team player and then only if he is in charge. Stark? Not a chance. Thor? Banner?” She started laughing more.

I frowned, “So this Avengers thing…”

“Can only work if they are not connected to S.H.I.E.L.D. because it would end badly otherwise. I mean, Clint, even without Loki and you, we would have had a fight on the Helicarrier when Stark, Banner and Rogers found the Phase 2 stuff. That went over really well. So, you guys helped, but that tussle was already in the making.” commented Natasha.

I refocused and went back to what was important to me right now. “So this means that you and I?”

“Yes it means that you and I.” She smiled at me, leaning forward, kissing me softly.

My breath caught. This was so much more than I had expected than when I had left the Helicarrier, expecting to go off to my death. This was completion. This was hitting through the first target and hitting the secret bullseye that makes everything better.

She patted my face with her hand. “So, bed time… yes?”

I nodded my head, grinning happily. Oh yes, I knew what I wanted now and from now on. It might take some time to get Natasha past some of her own hang ups, thanks to all the terrible things the Red Room did to her, but I was going to get her to agree to spend forever with me. Love might be for children, which only meant I would have to get her to act childish now and again. Yeah… I think forever with her might just be long enough. I just need to get her to agree.

After all, it’s about focus.

It’s always about focus.


End file.
